Life or something like it

Recently I had the privilege to turn the age of 34. Its not that old but like every year after 30 you look at what you have accomplished and where you should be going. this year I have decided to celebrate all the embarrassing moments of my life. If you are wondering why, I will have to say its because too many things have happened to me that are really quite funny and everyone needs a good laugh now and then. So enjoy!

1. Lets start with me and my constant need to fall flat on my face. Yes I was never a ballerina but I did have a talent for swimming, so much so that a later became a life guard/instructor. Yes young impressionable minds have been affected by me for about 19 years in the swimming field. Yet the one time I tried to teach some young folks on how to dive off a diving board, I ended up being the person who learned something. It all started with a young talented diver wanting to learn how to do an inward dive. this dive consists of you standing at the end of the board, facing the ladder you just climbed up, and with a quick throw of you hands to your feet you dive straight down into the water barely missing the board with your head as you gracefully land in the water. Now being the great instructor that I am, I was standing on the deck telling my student to throw her hands to her feet and to push her hips back. Unfortunately I was demonstrating on a very wet deck so when I went through the motions wouldn't you know it I slipped! OOPS! There was a huge gasp beside me as my feet went flying and I performed the inward dive perfectly into the deck (a perfect 10 I was given by the parents, too bad I wasn't over the water). Funny thing was I had no idea I had done this until I was pulling my head off the ground and trying to pull my very crooked glasses off my face (to all you out there who haven't ever done this, the glasses were crooked because they had been driven into the bridge of my nose). What a winner! I now had a concussion, a bleeding cut that needed stitches and a hysterical staff that couldn't stop saying "Oh my ______ what did you do?" before they burst out laughing so much for my diving career!
2. In my teens I was a little moody (OK a lot moody) which really did not endear me to my family for a while. One day I come home to find my sister, brother and cousin laughing their guts out as they yelled at me "SBACAK! SBACAK! You don't know what it means!" Yah, I didn't know what it meant but really if it meant acting as crazy as them, that was OK with me if I was in the dark. Undaunted they began to tell me that I could never join and that they had a theme song...guess what it was..."The Bitch is Back" by Elton John. Hmmm I was finally feeling a little picked on, well to make a long story short the term SBACAK stood for Sisters, Brothers and Cousins against Kim. Yup I was one loved individual with a sister who was president, a brother who was treasurer and a cousin who was secretary. Supposedly the member ship was growing by the minute. You seriously have to look back and laugh as what was once a joke is now something to be proud of because I don't think many of you have a club dedicated against you (probably a good thing).
3. Then there are the many times that I tried to prove how cool, sexy and fun I am . My first time a answered a wrong number I went out on a date with the guy...no I was not that bright when I went to first year university. Any way he told me he looked like Tom Selleck, so I agree to go with him for coffee. I would have made it out the door too if my little bro had not yelled at my parents "She's going out on a date with a stranger!" Nice, now I had my father breathing in the window at this guy, who asked me as we drove away "What was your dad doing?" So I answered him honestly "Ohhhh, he's just memorizing your face and license plate so he knows what to tell the cops if I don't come back" Stupid I may be but even I was beginning to realize that perhaps this was not the smartest thing I have ever done. In the end we had coffee, he was a salesman for feminine protection (I kid you not, he even brought out samples for me to see...how romantic) and he wanted me to help him buy colorful paper towels for his mother in Blaine. Needless to say I got home safe and never again went out with a wrong number. Let this be a lesson to all who think that its not scary because I really was lucky he was such a harmless person.
4. Scenario two: At the bar Roosters, dancing with friends wearing new pants bought at the Garage. Grooving it up, having a blast trying to show how groovilicious I am when...in the midst of a twist and turn, I hear "RRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!" Oh yah baby the new polyester pants I just bought have officially decided I am on dancing hiatus as they rip from seam to seam. The dance diva has been grounded. Lesson learned: wear pants that have a little more groove in them. I know I need help!
5. Scenario three: In Thailand traveling with a good friend, we are on a trek into Northern Chang Mai. The weather is perfect we are with 10 other people and we have stopped at a small waterfall and lake. Everyone is swimming around to the amusement of our guides (probably thought we were nuts!). During this time I think it would be cool to get a picture done under the falls just like the supermodels do. So I ask my friend who gets the camera ready, I lay on a rock underneath and all I can say is gravity took over. First let me warn all those ladies out there who wear padded bikini tops, waterfall water does weigh that padding down and hence the word fall makes said item fall as well. So much for sexy I was being plain pornographic now as my top fell down, which then I too quickly fell down. Next time I will incorporate velcro and tape so I can get my shot!
6. Scenario four: Showing off butterfly at the lake with the boys from church. Bikini on until I got up..Need I say more! Didn't think so!

Hope you have enjoyed these moments so far. Perhaps tomorrow more will come to mind. I have to say though that life has definitely not been boring. I will leave you with one last story on safety. How many of you eat while driving your car, I do many a time, well this one time I was eating grapes while driving down 1st Ave in Vancouver. It was a sunny day, traffic was good and I was eating grapes until one got stuck in my throat. Here I am driving and choking wandering what I should do? The answer came in a flash, do the Heimlich! Now if you think you can't do the Heimlich on yourself think again, here I was throwing my body onto my steering wheel while I continued to drive down 1st Ave. I have no idea what people were thinking as I seizured around that steering wheel trying to dislodge a grape but by the second set of lights it popped out. No longer do I mock the idea of people Heimliching themselves on chairs as I have to say a steering wheel is just as effective.